He Who Seeks to Save His Life Will Lose It!

He Who Seeks to Save His Life Will Lose It!

By Stephen V. Bolin, Sr.

October 10, 2010

It was the second night home after an agonizing week stay in the hospital. I began to deliberate, during what appears to be the norm of sleeplessness, about a face-book post from one of my nieces. It appears as if she is at the stage of finding herself. The thought of “finding myself” really got me thinking about the verse we find in Luke 17:33, “He who seeks to save his life will lose it, and he who loses his life will preserve it”. Look at the context of this verse by scanning back to verse 20 – 32. Jesus is speaking about the coming of the kingdom of God, which is in our midst (verse 21) as well as the coming of the Son of God. But the main subject behind these verses is really talking about what? Look at the people during Noah’s life. They were more concerned about themselves, doing what they wanted to do and wanting to remain happy and “free”; they wanted to remain lawless as well as Godless. Jesus also points out Lot’s story recalling how he and his family had attached themselves to the city and all its pleasure; they ended up getting caught in a lifestyle that they had embraced. Thankfully, Lot still had a chance to repent as God gave him a choice to leave it all behind or be destroyed along with it. Lot took his family and left the city. Although he took his wife physically, she was still there; her heart was there. What was it that she was leaving behind? Her identity! Everything that she thought she was, and possessed, was in that city. Forgetting all that she had in Lot and her children, she turned around and was destroyed by the very thing she was identifying herself with. Jesus specifically calls out, “Remember Lot’s wife”. She sought to save her life, her identity. As I pondered that verse, I couldn’t help but think about my own life in how I have been searching for the right occupation and the right ministry for well over 22 months of unemployment. I remember battling within myself and with God; looking to be identified. Several times I heard the Spirit ask me, “Are you looking to be identified by the world’s standards or by Mine?” Although I reasoned within myself to think I was after God’s identity, the Lord, through His Spirit, showed me different on this restless night.

As I thought about the text, my mind began cutting through verse 33 and asking the Spirit some questions. For example, “What is wrong with finding ones self? I mean is it not healthy in mental and physical and sociological standards to have a self-identity? Otherwise, would we not have an identity crisis?” What I got back from Him really shed some great light in my confused and tired mind. When we actively search for our identity, go through hell and high water to find it, and then indeed do find it, what will we be willing to do to keep it? The answer: Absolutely anything! Remember Lot’s wife. We work hard in maintaining who we are. We work hard to ensure nothing separates us from this identity we’ve created, and are constantly at battle defending this even to the point of separation from our families, friends, churches, and in my case as well as a whole lot of others, our health. Eventually though, we will see, especially for the believer, that our identity that we so gallantly sought to find and save will come crashing down. It is prophesied by our Savior, “not only the earth but the works on earth will burned up” (II Peter 3:10).

But let me assure you, it is not a punishment, just a guarantee.

Let me explain through my own circumstance. Dec. 31, 2008, I lost my job as a prominent businessman and one of the highest paid executives in my field. I worked hard at getting to this point. Not so hard, though, as to lose my family or health. I can honestly say that I tried to keep a good “Christian” perspective on things. For sometime I even held Bible Study in our office, constantly played worship music in my office, and was allowed to talk freely about the things of Christ because the people in my office were believers as well. But as time ran on, I began to desire a new identity, a better identity. I viewed it as a change of pace, or should I say, a longing to find out what God really wanted me to do. So in the beginning of 2006, I went back to school on an accelerated pace so I could finish my Bachelors, as well as my Masters in Theology, by the end of 2008. I thought for sure that I would now complete my identity. Now, let me say something that will really throw you for a loop - I was convinced that my “calling” would at last be complete. I knew I wanted something different; I wanted to teach or get into the ministry full-time. So you can imagine how thankful I was when my boss told me he had to let me go. He was so perplexed that he wondered if I had just fallen off the turnip truck and hit my head. I told him that I was confident that God would see to it that He would take care of me, my wife and six children. I had absolutely no worries. Trust me when I tell you, trusting God for this was indeed my only course of action.

Fast forward now to well over a year and a half and still no job. We moved from South Florida to Ohio to be closer to my aging parents. In addition, some other family issues had unfolded that needed our attention. Since then, I have constantly battled within myself, asking questions to myself and of the Lord: “am I doing the right thing?”, “am I really trusting God?”, “where did I go wrong?”, “Lord, I really want to be a teacher, a professor or a full-time minister, that’s not so bad, is it God?” I would find myself praying, “I know you can do it Lord, You created the world into existence in 6 days, surely You can give me a job”. It was then that He began to have conversations with me about my identity and warning me to be careful not to look at the world or to the world for my identity, because it will only end up in failure, destruction, or quite possibly, walking out of the light of fellowship with Him. I really thought I understood what He meant by that, so I backed off with my requests and really tried to rest and wait on Him. But the enemy was not about to wait; he was going in for the kill. The enemy knows how important identity means to a man. I began to reflect back to the days of Florida and how our ministry had flourished. We saw many souls saved, many young people called into the ministry, many of the churchless teen’s parents got saved, and more volunteers were helping. We saw physical as well as mental and spiritual healings. Marriages restored, my wife and I were singing more and leading worship services on occasion. I enjoyed a new teaching and preaching ministry and saw how God was using me as an Apostle in our ministry. In fact, I could write an entire book on what God did through us at that church during our 7 year stay there. As I reflected, I, again, began to wonder and compare that ministry to what we were doing at our new church. I thought, “we have been here for over a year; what accomplishments have we done, what great works has God done through us, where are the souls that have been saved here at this church?” I was reminded by the enemy constantly that I have only sung one time in our church since we have been here, I’ve never been asked to preach in church, and furthermore, I have only preached a handful of times in the youth ministry.” Do you see what was going on? Here I am battling within myself about myself, defending myself at all costs. I was thinking that my identity came by my own hands. Yes, God led my hands, but I did the work. Obviously I did not come right out and say that, but as we have heard before on many occasions, “Your actions speak louder than your words”. In this case, my flesh was speaking louder, and did not like what I was becoming. I came to two conclusions: 1) that I had become less significant than what I was, and 2) that I was not in the right church. What I really was saying was that I was not confident that God could use me or, for that matter, was unable to use me because of those conclusions! This weighted on me for a couple of months, so I finally talked my wife and kids. I did, however, first ask if it was possible we were in the wrong church? Were we in the right place? Do we belong here? This, I am convinced, was a scheme the enemy used to plant a seed of doubt in my families minds. My wife, on the other hand, was not fully on board, so I didn’t push it. That lesson has already been learned! I was going to give it time.

What was happening to me? My identity, which I worked so hard on and for so long, was now coming to an end. It was a battle not against me, but against God! I must say, that God was determined more than I to win this battle, no matter what the cost! In July, I began to have a cough that would not go away. I should have noticed something was up then, but my identity was stronger. The cough grew into bronchitis, and after a couple of weeks of this, it began to take over my life. I could not sleep for more than four hours at a time. I began to lose my appetite, and as a result, was becoming weaker and weaker as the days past. I developed fevers and chills one right after the other. What compacted the problem was that now after a month of this, I could not work. I would cough so hard that I would blackout; so now driving was pretty much out of the picture. My poor wife had to be my nurse as well as chauffer to the kids. Additionally, she needed to start working part-time; she indeed is my hero and my rock. I know she spent hours praying and interceding on my behalf. By now, 2 months had passed which included several doctor’s visits and referrals, but led to no help in sight. My health was fading fast, and by now I was almost debilitated. After 2 ½ months of this, I finally broke down and went to the hospital. I could barely walk without running out of breath and I wanted to see if my doctors were blind or if they just diagnosed me incorrectly. In the hospital, I was told then that I had pneumonia and was kept there for 3 days. I felt better when I left, but soon after I started getting worse – worse than before. I should have seen this coming and believe me I prayed, “Lord, if I have sinned please show me!” But my wall, my identity is strong. As I look back, I honestly felt that the enemy was the one who was making me sick. I felt like I was the victim and for sure not the perpetrator. You see the enemy already did his work and planted his seed.

A week and a half later on a Sunday night I began to bleed through my urine, and spiked a temperature of 104 degrees and could barely move. When my wife came home from working, I told her what was happening, and she said without pause, “You’re going back to the hospital, now!” I can honestly say that I was scared for my life. The doctor told me that my liver had been damaged and my kidneys had an infection. I had pneumonia in my other lung, and I was so dehydrated that some of my skeletal muscles have started to decompose. I was in trouble! I can’t help but think that if I kept to myself, or refused to go back and fight the good fight that I would have probably not have been able or even alive to write this story. Scary thought for me. All for the sake of being identified!

As I lie in bed writing this story at 1:00 a.m., my Savior, through His grace, reminded me of a message that I heard from Dr. Haddon Robinson. His text was the letter to Philemon. He pointed out two things that have stuck with me since hearing this word: first is forgiveness, and secondly is acceptance. Let me expound a little on this. Remember from the letter to Philemon Onesimus, or as I lovingly call him – Nessy? Biblical history tells us that Nessy probably stole from Philemon, and was a run away slave which was punishable by death! Somehow, providence took old Nessy from Colosse (which was about 100 miles east of Ephesus) to Rome. He possibly went to Rome to hide far away or possibly he went to talk to Paul. There was no doubt that Paul and Philemon knew each other well. Anyway, somehow he came into contact with Paul. Nessy’s story was revealed to Paul in what he had done. Paul shows Nessy that he is forgiven and leads him to the true Messiah. Although Paul could use him for the furtherance of the Kingdom there in Rome, he must send the ole boy back home. Paul writes two letters, one to the church of Colosse and one to Philemon. So Nessy agrees and goes back to Philemon with Tychius carrying a life-changing letter back with him. Paul, to make a short story even shorter (you should read the letter for yourself!), charges the debt of Philemon to himself and reminds Philly (Philemon) that he owes Paul even more than Nessy owes him.

Paul was willing to make the slate clean. Once more, which really blew my mind, was the simple fact that Paul encouraged Philemon to treat Onesimus as if he were Paul himself. Philemon could not just put Onesimus back to work in the fields, or just simply forgive him and send him on his way. He had to accept him just like he would accept Paul! Onesimus had a new identity which he discovered through humility and the love of Christ. Philemon would no doubt give Onesimus the best room in the house, shoes for his weary feet, give him a good foot washing, maybe a robe for his back as well as having his servants wait on him hand and foot. This is what it means to be forgiven and accepted. God has given me my identity not based on what I do, but what He has already done.

This, my brothers and sisters, is the intent of God’s heart for you! The identity that we, or I, am looking for only leads to the elevation of oneself and ultimately leads to destruction…Remember Lot’s wife! The One who searches and finds great treasure has found me! Broken and undone, weak and humbled to where I had little to no strength…and He calls that good! “Now I can use you!”, He tells me. He bestows upon His children wonderful and bountiful gifts as well as talents to be used for His good pleasure. Who am I to question either verbally or figuratively or even under my breath what He is capable or incapable of doing?

Now, I am under the extreme conviction that God will indeed use my wife, my kids as well as myself in a supernatural way that will change the lives of many who the Lord sees fit to bring into our sphere of influence. Not because of who I am, or what I can do, but because of Whose I am and what He can do! I have been forgiven and accepted and found out that He made me worthy to be called His own! I write this story for you so that you can check your own spirit, your own ambition, and your own zeal to ensure that it is not you who is carrying out His plan, but that He carries out His plan in you. Some believers never learn this lesson. Unfortunately, they either become so hard hearted against God that they become a non-threat to Hell; they are unproductive in ministry and in their own family. They can do nothing and wait until God calls them home! God only give us two commands to follow: 1) to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind, and 2) to love your neighbor as yourself. To what extreme will you go to love your life and to keep your life? Just imagine with me, if we put forth the effort to love God and love others as much as we love ourselves, think of the possibilities of how our lives could be changed! If your life is about anything different than these two commandments…let go! Why? Because what you think you have found, you will surely lose. Remember Lot’s wife! My earnest prayer is that you would allow God to have His way in your life. May the only death that takes place be the death of selfish ambition and vanity, and not that of your physical body. God bless you.